(R, sofa and low
table with whiskey decanter and glasses, TV clicker, cell phone. L, a door.
Upstage wall center, outline of a large TV monitor. [Actors in roles of JED
and TED appear live within the monitor outline, but the other characters
perceive them as TV images.])
(SAMPSON on sofa,
writing on legal pad; TAPLEY beside him; BALLAST across the room, pacing.)
SAMPSON
Humil ...
TAPLEY
Humbled.
BALLAST
Humble. And yet proud.
TAPLEY
of? for?
BALLAST
Considering.
TAPLEY
Considering?
BALLAST
Considering the staunch support of
blah blah blah.
TAPLEY
(to
SAMPSON)
Consider ...
SAMPSON
(writes)
I heard.
BALLAST
(to
TAPLEY)
Nobody knows we’re here, right?
TAPLEY
I told them we’d be at the campaign
hotel, holed up in some room.
BALLAST
So we can watch the returns here
without being hassled.
TAPLEY
(to
BALLAST)
They’ve got your cell phone number,
that’s all.
SAMPSON
And finish my damn victory speech.
TAPLEY
I guess we should have written it
before election night.
SAMPSON
Nobody thought I’d be winning.
BALLAST
I did.
SAMPSON
— The polls ...
BALLAST
That’s my line of work, John. Making
silk purses out of also-rans.
SAMPSON
(with
irony)
Thanks a lot, Duane!
BALLAST
Truth, John. Never be ashamed of the
truth. Keeps you humble.
SAMPSON
(returns
to writing)
“ — humble. And yet, ...”
BALLAST
Let’s see how we’re doing.
(SAMPSON picks up
clicker, points it at TV, clicks)
TED
(from
TV monitor)
... staying ahead based on early
returns from key downstate precincts. Isn’t that right, Jed?
JED
(from TV monitor)
That’s right, Ted. Sampson looks
pretty strong now, doing better than expected in the minority areas.
TED
But there’s still a long night ahead
of us here at Channel One, Jed.
JED
You bet, Ted; so stay tuned. We’ll be
bringing you live up to date returns throughout the night.
TED
Thanks, Jed. We’ll be breaking for
headline news in — five minutes. But right now let’s take a quick look at state
and local results so far. For Senate, with five percent of precincts reporting,
John Sampson as we said has pulled away to a surprise early lead over what now
appears to have been an overconfident incumbent Al Hurley. In the House fifth
district ...
(BALLAST
clicks; TED and JED mute)
TAPLEY
We’re really clicking!
BALLAST
Yeah, looks pretty good. Upstate’s
still a problem, though.
TAPLEY
Not for long!
SAMPSON
“ — considering the staunch support of
—” what?
BALLAST
“Citizens great and small, throughout”
— no, make that “men and women in all walks of life in this great State who
have followed this campaign with ...”
SAMPSON
Wait, wait, you’re going too fast.
(BALLAST
clicks)
JED
Ted, has the new Senator-apparent
appeared at his victory rally yet? His supporters are going crazy!
TED
No, Jed, the campaign says that John
Sampson is sequestered, if that’s the right word.
JED
Sounds like a good word to me, Ted.
TED
Sequestered in a hotel room with just
his top aides, Jed, watching us here on TV Channel One and waiting it out,
waiting for a decision, and writing one of those innocuous victory speeches.
JED
One of those “undisclosed locations”,
Ted?
TED
You got it, Jed. Even the people at
the victory rally don’t know exactly where he is; it’s a big hotel, and you can
be sure that there’s no sign on the door that says “new Senator inside”. But
they expect him to appear for his speech as soon as we’ve projected him the
winner.
JED
Which would be about —
TED
Maybe as soon as half an hour, Jed, if
he keeps rolling up these totals downstate. Of course we haven’t heard from
upstate yet, so it could be longer. A lot longer.
JED
That’s Al Hurley country, isn’t it,
Ted, upstate?
TED
So the experts tell us, Jed; but
Hurley would have to win upstate pretty big to overcome Sampson’s downstate
lead, especially here in the tri-county area.
(BALLAST
clicks off)
TAPLEY
We’re really coming from behind.
BALLAST
The reporters didn’t pay much
attention to us during the campaign.
SAMPSON
Thank God!
TAPLEY
Now, we’re golden.
SAMPSON
But they’ll start.
BALLAST
They never found out about your
problem before the election. If you’d been the favorite ...
TAPLEY
They would have looked ...
BALLAST
Harder.
SAMPSON
For a while I thought the Daily World
was onto it, but their reporter dropped the ball.
TAPLEY
Wonder — .
SAMPSON
Not a problem. Never was a problem.
TAPLEY
Not a smoking gun.
SAMPSON
Not anything illegal.
BALLAST
No, of course not. Not illegal at all.
— Not exactly — .
SAMPSON
Somewhere out there in “error of
judgment”-land.
TAPLEY
That’s it, “error of judgment”. We
could have gone with that if we’d had to.
SAMPSON
Still —
TAPLEY
Could have hurt us. We’d have to
apologize.
SAMPSON
Never good to apologize. I guess.
BALLAST
Only assholes apologize.
SAMPSON
Sometimes, in a scrape —
BALLAST
Deny. If you can’t deny, stand tall.
SAMPSON
Error of judgment.
BALLAST
John, would you vote for somebody who
makes “errors of judgment”? You want him making “errors of judgment” with
nuclear weapons? With war and peace? In your name?
SAMPSON
No, ...
BALLAST
Would you vote for some son of a bitch
who’d do the “error of judgment” routine? That’s like eating a bowl of
piss-flavored shit on prime time TV.
SAMPSON
No, ...
BALLAST
You know what “error of judgment” is?
It’s a punch line. Eleven o’clock monologue. Amateur comedy club. “Error of
judgment” is something you say after some open mic catches you talking about
“niggers”.
SAMPSON
What do you ...
BALLAST
Or you’re with some hooker and the
flash goes off and there you are with a blank look on your face and the girl is
tugging your dick and mugging for the camera like her fifteen minutes are
finally here, except she’s been tugging for half an hour and you still can’t
get it up, which is worse, if anybody finds out and wonders why.
SAMPSON
Every man ...
BALLAST
Every man doesn’t run for the Senate.
Or if he does, he loses.
SAMPSON
OK.
BALLAST
OK. Remember: Women and old farts
vote; the rest just stand around and bitch.
TAPLEY
(to
SAMPSON)
But you’re recovered. Nobody can touch
you.
SAMPSON
Recover-ing. Not recover-ed.
BALLAST
That’s what they tell you, isn’t it.
SAMPSON
(to TAPLEY)
–ics are always –ing, never –ed.
BALLAST
That’s a sad fucking commentary.
SAMPSON
I guess.
BALLAST
Isn’t it. There’s a lot of sad fucking
commentary in this country. Not all of it’s on TV.
SAMPSON
I guess.
BALLAST
Anyway, I’m off tomorrow to help
Andrews become governor of South Carolina. That should be an exciting ...
(Cell phone rings.
BALLAST picks it up, looks at the caller-id, clicks a button.)
BALLAST
Yeah? Hi. — Yeah. Good news. — Now?
We’re just writing it. — Oh, OK. — Sure. No, not there; the Madison. —
Three-oh-five. — See you.
(SAMPSON
clicks off cell phone)
SAMPSON
Who was that?
BALLAST
Phyllis Stoltz, from the Finance
Committee.
TAPLEY
She’s coming here?
BALLAST
Yeah.
TAPLEY
We’ve got to get this speech finished!
BALLAST
I know. She said just a minute.
TAPLEY
In just a minute she’ll be here, or
just a minute’s how long she’ll stay?
BALLAST
I don’t know — didn’t ask.
SAMPSON
To discuss — ?
BALLAST
Campaign finance, I suppose. It’s her
job. Last I heard, we were doing OK. She didn’t say what she wanted.
(pause)
TAPLEY
(to
SAMPSON)
Where were we?
SAMPSON
(reads)
“Ambitious program to strengthen our
national security through diplomacy, without raising ... ”
BALLAST
Let me see that, John.
(SAMPSON takes pad
from Sampson, flips a few pages)
BALLAST
(CONT’D)
(to
TAPLEY)
Ellen, look at this.
(TAPLEY crosses to
BALLAST. They look at a few places on the pad and speak indistinctly during the
next few minutes, ignoring SAMPSON. SAMPSON clicks-on TV.)
TED
... entered the capital of Stanistan
today against heavy opposition. Meanwhile, the war in Western Europe took a new
turn as clouds of highly toxic ...
(BALLAST turns back
to SAMPSON, hands him legal pad; SAMPSON clicks TV off)
SAMPSON
We’re almost there. Let’s go over the
wrap-up.
(reads)
“And again, I want to thank all of you
who gave so generously of your time and money to win this wonderful victory for
the people of this state and of America tonight: my irreplaceable assistant, —
Ellen Tapley! Come on up here, Ellen!”
(TAPLEY
wriggles with pleasure)
BALLAST
Watch out for that.
SAMPSON
Watch out for what?
BALLAST
We don’t want anyone thinking you’re
banging her. Bad impression on the voters. The women, at least. Old farts don’t
care.
TAPLEY
Wait a minute, Duane, I’m a married
woman!
BALLAST
Well, there’s your answer.
SAMPSON
What answer?
BALLAST
Do I have to spell it? “My
irreplaceable assistant, — Ellen Tapley, and her loving husband David! Come on
up here, Ellen and David!”
TAPLEY
It’s Michael, not David.
BALLAST
(to TAPLEY)
Whatever.
BALLAST
(CONT’D; to SAMPSON)
Just mention him in the same breath.
Then they’ll figure he’s doing her, not you.
SAMPSON
(writes)
OK. — “And my likewise irreplaceable
adviser, Duane Ballast ...”
BALLAST
No, John. Leave me out.
SAMPSON
But I want to ...
BALLAST
Looks weak; makes me look insecure.
Like I need the publicity.
SAMPSON
But you deserve applause; and the
people deserve to know how much you ...
BALLAST
The people who count know already. And
there’s no such thing as “deserves to know”. Leave it alone.
SAMPSON
But I can thank ...
BALLAST
Everybody else you can think of, John:
Ellen, here, and of course David ...
TAPLEY
Michael.
BALLAST
Envelope stuffers, county supervisors,
wife, kids, grandkids, dog-catcher. Whatever. But not me.
SAMPSON
OK.
BALLAST
And your father.
SAMPSON
My father?
BALLAST
I see you’re thanking your wife here.
SAMPSON
Of course.
BALLAST
What about your mother and father?
SAMPSON
They’re gone. You know that. Years
ago.
BALLAST
Sure, but don’t forget the influence.
That’s mandatory. Nobody minds, and lots of people care.
SAMPSON
About what?
BALLAST
About what you learned from your
mother and father. Especially father, when a man’s running. You can put it
right about — here. (pointing to place on pad)
SAMPSON
OK. That’s OK.
BALLAST
So, what did you learn? Say something
like courage loyalty faith perseverance blah blah blah.
SAMPSON
Well, ah — just make something up for
me, Duane. Whatever works. You know best.
BALLAST
I could, and I do, but it’s stronger
if it comes from you and you mean it. So what did he teach you? What did you
learn from your father that led you to seek public office and serve the people
selflessly and combat the forces of evil and balance the budget and blah blah
blah.
SAMPSON
Well — I guess I could say — ah —
prudence and justice. How’s that?
BALLAST
Ditch “prudence”; I think it died
about the time your father did. “Justice” will do fine.
SAMPSON
OK. My father taught me justice.
BALLAST
And that life-forming experience —
you’ll need a few anecdotes about how your father taught you justice, but that
can wait — that life-forming experience led you to see how easily justice is
thwarted, bought off, disregarded even in this country, and how critically
important blah blah blah. Ellen, can you write that? (hands her pad)
TAPLEY
OK.
(TAPLEY
writes)
BALLAST
(to
SAMPSON)
Your father was rich, wasn’t he?
SAMPSON
Not really. “Well off” was about it.
“Well to do”, perhaps.
BALLAST
You can call it “well off’” if you
want; my family called your kind of people “rich”. — And my father taught me
something. He taught me to be a winner.
SAMPSON
That’s you, Duane!
BALLAST
I get results, John. Five straight
wins; six including yours, Senator. Yeah, I’m a winner. When I stop
being a winner I’ll go back to delivering milk house to house for a living.
TAPLEY
Did you really do that?
BALLAST
No, but my dad did. Twenty-eight
years. Then the dairy gave it up. Stopped delivering milk. People go the
supermarket for milk now. Do you know, all over this country people had milk
delivered to their homes? All over the fucking country? — And that’s all he
ever learned to do. “Job security!” he used to say that to me, my dad did, in
just that tone. “Milk will always sell. Even in a depression milk will sell.”
Yeah, it did. Sure it did. But it didn’t get delivered. He never counted on
that.
TAPLEY
So what did he do?
BALLAST
Went down to the supermarket. Where
the milk was. Applied for checker. Too old.
TAPLEY
That’s cruel.
BALLAST
Oh they tried him out, but after
twenty-eight years in the truck he just couldn’t get up to speed, with those
registers, and remembering the right code number for two dozen kinds of
vegetables. Broccoli? These are potatoes! What are you trying to do to me? — So
they let him go.
TAPLEY
Out of work.
BALLAST
They said, you can load shelves if you
can’t checkout customers.
TAPLEY
So did he?
BALLAST
Two days. Couldn’t keep the pace.
Lifting.
TAPLEY
Too old.
BALLAST
Too old to do anything but die. He did
that real well. A real star. The priest was very positive about my dad’s
contribution to God’s great plan. And really optimistic about his next life. A
sure thing. A good bet. That’s a God-fucking-damn slam dunk, wings and all.
TAPLEY
Next life?
BALLAST
Where unemployed milkmen go to make up
for their shitty failed disappointed lives.
TAPLEY
So that’s when —
BALLAST
My father taught me to be a winner.
SAMPSON
But your father wasn’t ...
BALLAST
I know he wasn’t. I saw the result.
That’s when I got religion.
SAMPSON
(startled)
What?
TAPLEY
I thought you ...
BALLAST
Winning. I saw the light. Yea,
brethern and sistern, winning; amen.
(pause)
TAPLEY
(to
SAMPSON)
Flip back a couple pages, sir. There’s
one paragraph I don’t think ...
(BALLAST clicks TV
on; SAMPSON and TAPLEY gradually turn their attention to it)
JED
... looks very promising for John
Sampson tonight, isn’t that right, Ted.
TED
You got it right this time, Jed. The
folks over at Sampson headquarters at the Hyatt are in a state of ebullition
right now; we’ll cut to them in just a minute. But results are slow coming in
from upstate, Jed.
JED
That’s true, Ted. Hurley’s last hope
is an overwhelming win up there.
TED
Which he doesn’t seem to be getting,
Jed, not yet, anyway.
(knock
at door)
JED
With 15 percent of precincts
reporting.
TED
No, Jed, more like 17 percent now.
BALLAST
Yeah?
STOLTZ
(offstage)
It’s me. Open up.
(BALLAST clicks TV
off, crosses to door and opens it. Enter STOLTZ.)
BALLAST
Hi, Phyl; great evening for us, isn’t
it. Have a drink; we’re celebrating.
STOLTZ
You’re not letting him drink, are you?
Before his speech?
BALLAST
No, just Ellen and me. And now you.
What’ll it be?
STOLTZ
Nothing for me, Duane.